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Tuesday, September 26, 2006

Pre Workout Workout.....and The Gym Conspiracy!!

Okay, so I'm over being a moron. I've just accepted it. So, today, I'm getting ready for the gym. I swear my dryer has it in for me. It has to be my dryer, because my clothes are shrinking. It has to be my clothes, right? It can't possibly be me.

So anyway, I put on my workout clothes and do my normal pre workout workout. It goes something like this:


Slip on my pants and squat one two. Squat one two. You can do it, people, stay with me now.

Then grab the waisteband and yank one two. Yank one two. Really work it now.

And if they're spandex, slide your hands under the fabric onto your thighs and push out one two. Push out one two. (Note: I continue to try this technique, however, there's a reason the put lycra in spandex. The stupid things insist on bouncing right back into place.)

Now take a breather, cuz you're already starting to sweat.

Okay, onto the shirt. (Note: A nice loose shirt can cover just about anything, but if your dryer is like mine, it's plotting against you, so really work this.)

Grab front of T-shirt and pull one two. Pull one two. Once again for good measure, people, pull one two.

Now grab side of T-shirt and pull one two. Pull one two. You got it, pull one two.

Now grab the other side of T-shirt and pull one two. Pull one two. Come on, I know you all do this and I'm not alone, so pull one two.

And to end this pre workout routine, slip the back of your T-shirt over the bedpost or a chair, whatever you have that's sturdy, and run. Run like your life depended on it. Come on, faster, now. Don't stop, unless.......

Your husband comes in, blinks, puckers his brows and asks, "What . . . are you doing? I heard all this pounding on the floor and couldn't imagine what it was."

To which you giggle nervously, quickly pull the back of your T-shirt off whatever you have it hooked to, and say, "Oh, just stretching before my workout. Stupid thing snagged my shirt. Can you believe it?"

And he answers, "Okay, I won't ask what in the world you do to stretch, because, somehow, I do't think I want to know."

To which you grunt, shrug, then say, "Um, yeah, probably not." Then get the heck out of dodge and go to the gym, thinking, Oh, yeah. I'm definitely a moron.


Okay, so I get to the gym, and I'm feeling pretty good in my newly stretched gym clothes. I meet up with my girlfriend, and we decide to lift weights today. When we do cardio stuff, the mirrors are far away, and we don't look too bad. But the weights....well, let me tell you, that's a different story.

Ever notice there are mirrors everywhere. I mean everywhere! A total U shaped wall of mirrors, so you can't avoid them no matter where you go. And they place the machines right smack dab in front of them.

So I read the instructions, get on the things right this time, and start working out, when it hits me. Holy crap, I have wrinkles. Ever seen the ugly cry that Oprah talks about? Well, a laugh can be just as ugly. I was cracking up at my friend and my face was all wrinkled up. Then when I stopped smiling, the deep curves were still there. And talk about frown lines. I think I"ve been yelling at my kids waaaaay too much, lately, because they outweigh my laugh lines, and I hadn't thought that was possible.

So I move onto another machine. One were you have a side profile of yourself. NOT a pretty picture, people. My butt was hanging off the back, so I kept trying to suck it in while lifting weights. Not an easy task.

Then it hit me. I looked much wider than at home, and, I could see my pores from clear across the freaking gym. The mirrors had to be magnified and stretched like in one of those fun houses.

Hence, the gym conspiracy.

Make your patrons feel like crap about themselves and they will continue to renew their membership, because they will be horrified by the thought that you might just actually look like that.

Thank God for my home mirror, that's all I can say!!!!!!!!


Drew Blackstone said...

Do you know why people work out?

Because it feels so good when you stop.

I eliminate the middle man and stop first. I find this approach much easier and I'm not nearly so sore afterwards.

Trish Ryan said...

The secret to the mirrors is to find the skinny ones and refuse to stand anywhere near the ones that widen you out like the side of a barn.

When I took dance classes in college, we upperclassmen would literally wrestle the freshmen away from our spots in front of the skinny mirrors, forcing them to endure a full year of "I never thought I was this WIDE!?!" body issues before they learned they really looked okay. Mirror negotiation is a vital skill in gym survival :)

Anonymous said...

That's why I bought myself some ankle weights and hand weights and use them to work-out at home. Espcially after, you know....that treadmill thing.

Manic Mom said...

Ok, I'm exhausted!


Karitown said...

I love the idea of skipping the middle man, Drew, but sadly I can't afford to.

Ooooh, nice, Trish ryan. I had no idea they had skinny mirrors. Now, that's my more my style.

I tried the work out at home thing, Trish, but found I kept making excuses not to do it. Sigh. Guess I'll just have to live with the mirrors.

Exhausted, yes, but wasn't it worth it, Manic? Nice and stretchy. Much more my style;)))

Anonymous said...

The mirrors!! They are there for that very reason!! Either that or to perve on cute guys!!


Beth said...

The mirrors are the sole reason I stay out of the gym!....well, maybe not the sole reason, but it's a big one.

N said...

I hate the mirrors!! they totally put me off gyms. I like the pool, there are no mirrors, and most of the time your head is underwater anyways. Plus I'm blind without my glasses. I have particularly 'flattering' togs though, they're like push-up togs! I don't even know if a bra could do that great a job. Today I caught this hideous old guy leaning over his treadmill on the mezzanine floor copping a good look, gross! Must find togs that cover me up a whole lot more!